***STORY OF THE MONTH***

REVENGE OF THE GO-FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIPS

It’s Richard’s sixty-fourth birthday, and he gets to run any story he wants on his birthday. This year he has chosen to write an updated version of a piece first e-published shortly after the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy. At this year’s Winter Olympics he saw Italian figure skater Samuel Contesti do a routine to rinky-tink hillbilly music while wearing a Li’l Abner style pair of overalls with one gallus tucked in, and he knew he had to revive this old chestnut and give it a new twist!

Transcription of a reel-to-reel tape of radio station KCIL, broadcast from the Municipal Mule Barn in Lickskillet, February 16, 2010.

A child's toy xylophone: Bong-bong-BING-bong!

Tenth-grader "Speck" Trout singing the Olympics theme through a cardboard tube: "Do-DO-de-do-do-DUM-dum..."

(Music under.)

Uncle Tiny's voice: Welcome, fans, to the Lower Canadian River in the Oklahoma Hills where I wasn’t born, as Ike Skidmore’s Brake Repair, Tattoo Parlor and Pick-Up Bed Liners presents the Twenty-Leventh Twenty-Ten Van Cover Olympics, brought to you by Rhino Brand Van Covers. It’s time again for the Quadrenialennial Hillbilly “Go-Figure” Skating Championships from the sandy banks of the frozen Canadian River. What do you say, Ray?

Uncle Eli's voice: I used to date a girl named Sandy Banks! That's right, Bob, we're here tonight for the hemi-demi-semi-finals in a sport some city folks actually enjoy more than NASCAR.

"Speck" Trout's squeaky, not-quite-yet-finished-changing junior high voice: Trademark!

Uncle Tiny: Go figure!

Uncle Eli: Yes, it’s the Go-Figure Skating championships. It's like professional hully-gully dancing meets roller derby, with a minor risk of freezer burn.

Uncle Tiny: I tip my derby to that!

Uncle Eli: Tonight it's pairs skating.

Uncle Tiny: Who knew fruit could skate?

Uncle Eli: And here comes the first couple, misrepresenting the town of Blue Eye.

Uncle Tiny: Missouri or Arkansas?

Uncle Eli: That's correct! The two states have agreed to compete together under one flag this quadrennium.

Uncle Tiny: And a beautiful flag it is, too, with the two bears fighting over a diamond ring belonging to Batman’s Friend Lex Esto! Reminds me of my last dee-vorce!

It's Ezekiel Fullnozzle, skating out in the long underwear and the long program.

Uncle Tiny: They all seem long to me! (Yawn.)

Uncle Eli: And his lovely lovelorn partner, Ethyl Cantstall.

Uncle Tiny: I didn't know Spandex came in that color!

Uncle Eli: And they're off! First they zip around the ice pointlessly for a minute or two…

Uncle Tiny: …and they earn no points for that!

Uncle Eli: Then Zeke whips into a triple klutz!

Uncle Tiny: And Ethyl follows with a dramatic broken axle!

Uncle Eli: The CD player is absolutely vibrating with the orchestral rendering of "Rite of Springfield" by "Red" Stravinsky.

Uncle Tiny: No, Ray, I think that's the "Firebird Sweet" from the Ford Motor Company.

Uncle Eli: Remember, there's a new point system in Go-Figure Skating this year.

Uncle Tiny: That's right, Ray, and Zeke's now going into his new three-legged point called 'There's a Duck in the Pond.'

Uncle Eli: No one else in America is doing that point now…he’s the leader of the pack!

Uncle Tiny: And now he’s doing another three-legged point called ‘This Is MY Tree.’

Uncle Eli: And the music shifts to Tsaikowsky's lesser-known ballet "Duck Pond."

Uncle Tiny: You just can't get better jug band music than that!

Uncle Eli: Times like this I really miss the old eight-track!

Uncle Tiny: And Zeke and Ethyl are off-track even as we speak.

Uncle Eli: However, off-track betting is NOT allowed.

Uncle Tiny: Want to bet?

Uncle Eli: And now they're doing a dos-y-dos. There's a real ...dearth...of talent here.

Uncle Tiny: And so they swing into a dramatic Dearth Spiral!

Uncle Eli: And they get a yellow flag!

Uncle Tiny: Shut up, Ray, I'm the color announcer.

Uncle Eli: Sorry, Bob. They get a...

Uncle Tiny: ...yellow!...

Uncle Eli: ...flag! It looks like the forward "pas" was intercepted. They'll get some "deducts" for that.

Uncle Tiny: That's why that dance move is called a pas de deux, Ray.

Uncle Eli: I guess we're back in the pond! And now, noisier than a salchow, they do a boisterous brownchow!

Uncle Tiny: How now? A brownchow?

Uncle Eli: And then a combo into a Toad-a-Loup flip.

Uncle Tiny: I'll take fries with that combo!

Uncle Eli: But Toad-a-Loup, Missouri, is up in Jackson County, so...they waft into a camel instead.

Uncle Tiny: Who let a camel onto the ice?

Uncle Eli: I think it escaped from "The Promise" over in Branson. And…what a move…Zeke “smoked” it!

Uncle Tiny: I smoked a Camel once. It's hard to keep all that fur lit.

Uncle Eli: And now Zeke is spinnin' like a son of a...

Uncle Tiny: ...whirling dervish!

Uncle Eli: And they slide into a deep bow!

Uncle Tiny: Or they both fell over while holding hands, we're not sure which. At any rate it's all over.

Uncle Eli: Thank goodness! The crowd leaps to their feet.

Uncle Tiny: All six of 'em!

Uncle Eli: And they're throwing plastic flowers onto the ice!

"Speck's" voice (distant – imitating crowd noise): Yay! Wahoo! Un-core! Un-core!

Uncle Tiny: The judges are writhing furiously...I'm sorry! I mean writing furiously.

Uncle Eli: Here come the scores! First, their numbers on rhythm.

Uncle Tiny: Looks like: ONE-two-three, ONE-oh-six, ONE- seven-four!

Uncle Eli: And now their scores on the interpretive dance realizations of the abstract concepts. Here are the numbers!

Uncle Tiny: The square root of i! Infinity minus 13! Z to the Ninth Power!

Uncle Eli: Those are abstract numbers alright! The crowd stands again! And a ripple of apathy runs through them!

Uncle Tiny: Isn't that a Brad Pitt movie? He’s from Springfield, Missouri, ya know!

Uncle Eli: They're awash with indifference!

Uncle Tiny: Well, at least they've washed with something! Zeke hasn’t bathed since winter set in.

Uncle Eli: And…look! The crowd is doing the wave!

Uncle Tiny: Yes, they’re waving ‘goodbye’. So, let's cut to a commercial and break for station identification!

Uncle Eli: Sounds painful!

Uncle Tiny: This is HBSN, the HillBilly Sports Network on KCIL. Go figure!

Speck's voice (right up on the mic): Not available in Canada! Eh? (cardboard tube again) Do-DO-dee-doo-doo-DE-do….

Music fades out.

(End of transcription.)

This and all material on this website is copyrighted. This piece is (c) Richard Alan Young 2010.